I Want To Breathe Freely

In quest of peace, happiness...

2009-02-06T11:38:00.002+05:30

I am facing the toughest times of my life i feel. Now i just shudder when i doubt whether tougher times will ever encounter me. There was a day when i ran out of my home not knowing what to do. There are moments when i desire that i can end up life. But i am hanging on - better days will come, wont they?

Its quite mystifying that happiness and peace are created and destroyed by oneself. But i am unable to restore what i have lost. People made me think that i am a grave sinner who is forsaken by God. The days i rambled hopelessly never feeling God's hand to strengthen me or to lead me or even to comfort me faintly - i never knew the meaning of my existence. It was then that i went for Suresh Babu's prayer in Polio Home on Sunday 3:00 pm and at the subsequent prayer by Raju uncle from NY that i was filled by the presence of God. I was extremely happy then.

But now again i am losing myself. I cannot study a word. I am writing GATE this Sunday but i cannot prepare anything. All my life is going haywire. Thats what worries me most. I like to have a fresh start. But how? I cannot make one step towards propgression in my life. My every step is taking me backward. My eyes are welled up with tears many times when i contemplate on myself.

The days are too trying. I will turn 21 on Feb 22nd. But i know some good things are infact on the way. I must cling on to life - without feeling so hopeless everytime. I must hang on till those good times come in.

_ Small Wonder

Seeking for a definition....

2008-11-18T19:11:00.003+05:30

Fraught with despair, fighting against tears, wishing a sleep to last forever i here spend my moments. Pessimistic, is that the word? Is that what i am? Saddistic, thats what u describe me as? Never intending to harm, my actions result in none other than grief to the loving ones around me. Seeking a definition for love. I am sure no two people in the world have the same definition for this great feeling or such sibling feelings. Just like how every finger print is unique, every person defines love differently.

But when it comes to the action, every human who if gifted to love deeply, loves giving all one's heart. As the heart leaves for a new location, there follows the dreams, thoughts, new home. Nestled there is where they then find any bliss.

Is it possible to withhold a part of ourself when u love completely? A mother loves her baby, nestles it close to her bosom, never wanting to part from it, and even if u part them their lives will never be the happy faces they were. A saint clings to the feet of his God, wanting to unite with his Creator, longing to spend every moment of his gifted life at his Lord's feet. Then the best symbol of love wud be lovers. Will they ever want to part the ring of love that encircles them though miles and oceans apart?

Is not love the feeling that lets life still survive on earth?

Shattered...

2008-06-20T11:14:00.005+05:30

Life is empty
With no tomorrow
And loneliness starts to haunt...

This is the way i feel now. I feel so down nowadays. Where i am heading i know well. But the path i take for it is what i am ignorant about. Many times feeling life is so unfair or that i have been unfair in life. The latter is proper. That divine helping hand was extended out to me for long, but i never tried to reach for it or even wen i reached for it i left it gradually without knowing. Now i feel forlorn. It is that hand i need desperately now but i just cant find it. I am groping in the dark for that Helping Hand from above. One day i will find it, i m sure. My mind is flooded with thoughts which makes my mind feel empty.

I am a sophisticated being...

2008-04-15T20:48:00.002+05:30

I do not know how to describe my situation at the moment. I am breathing, its proof for my existence. I just read a few words sent from somebody near, which pierced through and through me. When sweet tears flooded my eyes and slowly ran down my cheeks i was a bit releived, i sat down to blog.

In class, some of my friends grow dull at times. Then i become so much frustrated thinking wether i am the cause for their low spirits and for the sorrow on their face. I then grow highly restless in mind. And i keep nagging them and myself askin wether i caused the worry. From this i realized how much of a burden i have been to many of my frnds in the past.

Bcz till a yr b4, i used to go out of mood as and wen i felt owing to many reasons that concerned solely myself. One of my friends told me straight on my face that she got bored with such an odd behaviour of mine wen i told her that i am helpless. Then she told me that she too had such mood-offs but its upto us to fight against it. At that time it was uncomprehendable for me.

When i repeatedly became the victim of such mood-offs on some of my dear frnds, i relaized how much it affects the near ones. I slowly began to change myself without my knowledge - i started to hide all my bitter emotions within myself. Of course, God was a refuge, but having somebody to lean upon is so much a blessing - which i dint have or i refused. Displaying my emotions made me lose ppl from my life. Nowadays, i dont know how i have changed this much. When i am in midst of problems that shake me like anything, wen i see my frnds, my classmates i am able to give them a bright smile, talk to them as they wish me to as usual. Once when i opened a bit to my frnds they asked me "then how do u go arnd happily like this? I can never be so. Tats y i go so dull at times." I replied saying "Its better with me. Bcz wen i reveal my emotions it makes u all also feel uncomfortable. It makes me lose ppl frm my life."

Now doing this over and over again, i am a person within whom a lot of emotions r buried deep within. My present sorrow too finds no place to empty itself in this world other than in the form of big tear drops wetting my cheeks and dress badly at the moment. When people look on me i am the kid-like girl crying aloud for silly mattters, laughing loud, but did anybody ever look under all this to know me? So far, nobody did. I only get hurt more and more - but i want to be hurt more.

I pray, "Lord, do u see ur dear child here so helpless? I am tired Lord, be with me Lord. Wipe my tears Lord. Dont forsake me kindly."

I am worn out. I know this isnt the end of life. But for now i am entirely tired.

I just enjoy the rain

2008-04-09T19:16:00.004+05:30

Today it was the Union Inauguration. During the function i got a bad head-ache. Actually, a lot of probz r running thru my little head and heart. I am always lost somewhere but pulling myslef hard to be in the real scenarios. Today finally, i lost my balance that i was thrown into a head-ache. I found it dfficult to be inside the hall from then. Me n Betcy wen out to the thattu-kada for tea, wen Anoop and Jantony also accompanied and i had 2 cups of highly strong tea which along with the fresh air did little good to me.

When i reached home, i spent some long horus with amma recounting my day to her. There was Rekha chechi also. My head ache was still prominent. I then ate and went upstairs for a bath wen nature's shower erupted brraking forth the clouds.

I went upstairs, left my kaalan koda and my bag on my bed, and switched on the radio onto 92.7FM. Then i had an idea. I changed into a home dress n went into the terrace. I felt like nature bidding me to go into the rain. The terracce was empty unlike the usual times wen its filled with clothes for drying.

I just put my first step in the rain. I just walked to and fro along the terrace. I splashed the water in the puddles that the rain made here n there. I sang some songs. I felt so light. The water wen it wet all my face it started running down my nose and eye lids making me feel the rain playing with me. I wanted to look at the skies, but my eyes were so scared whether the rain wud fall directly into it. The leaves of the coconut tree deflected some of the waters that made them fall at an angle. I then found a seat on the parappet. I looked down on the tin sheet of my neighbour's house. There were empty coconut shells on it which were getting filled with water. "palathulli paruvellam". So i cupped my hands and just held them and waited patiently feeling so happy abt the every small drop that fell on them.Then my amma came and peeped thru the terrace door wen she was entering her room. Her piercing look at me conveyed a lot and unknowingly my hands just loosened dropping all the collected water. She left, wen aunty came running with a stick

"koche, ingottu keri va...ninakku echiri kozhuppu koodunnu...pani pidikkum...cheriya mazhaya...edi vettunnathu keettille? minnalundu..keri vaa koche...ni varunnundo?"

Her shouting destroyed my peace though i was glad that ppl r concerned abt me.I then went inside, tried to bring her into the rain wen amma came and asked me to take a shower quickly. So i left back to my room...tuned my radio to 92.7 FM and danced to the melodies wen i realized that i had a head ache a few hours ago. But where did my head-ache go? The rain drained it off.I danced for joy!!!I had a joyous shower and thot of updating my blogs which were abandoned for a long time.So i m here blogging.

I love the rain - i want to be in the rain again...I am reminded of the fights me, ghosh, betcy, rajeev had in the rain yesterday. I wore a pure white dress to college. Wen i returned home my entire dress was wet and all amy dress was brown owing to my fantastic gaming at college.

Many times i have taken this beautiful nature for granted. I m grateful to nature itself for correcting me.

April 1 - The Wisest leaves a mark by creating a blog!

2008-04-01T07:43:00.000+05:30

This is my new blog. I felt like having a new blog for free writing, so i created a new blog. I want some fresh air. I like my other blogs but they r all for diff purposes. This is for the relaxed soul of mine. Today morning Jasim called and made a fool of me! Yesterday during out Internet Technology lab we sat down and made an account for him at Shaadi.com. Today morning i got a call from him telling me his marraige is fixed and that i m the first among his frnds to be informed. I made a big storm on him for getting marreid so early. But suddenly it dawned on me that today is April 1, wen we burst into laughs.

I diverted a bit from my usual path from yesterday. I dont know how long i will tread in my new path. So, with the happiness of having a new blog where i can breathe all the fresh air so freely - let em say a good morning to myself and all the world.